spilling the beans

au revoir!

Well guys, it's been fun here at spilling the beans, but it's time to say goodbye.

Goodbye to the freebie host and subdomain.

Goodbye to the fantastic blogging software that has done nothing wrong by me.

Goodbye to the hours spent uploading every single post when I change themes!

Goodbye to having to play by other peoples rules.

Goodbye to the memories that resurface each time I open this site as my life sits here before me on the screen....

With the goodbyes, comes some hellos.

Hello to the new domain - that is 100% mine.

Hello to wordpress which whilst a little confusing, is already proving to be a great piece of software.

Hello to a new hosting service which has been a breeze to sign up with and use.

Hello to a new kind of blog. More content, less frills. I've done the pretty flashing things in the sidebar, the numerous stats counters that all tell me something different, the many and varied things I've tried, tweaked, kept or taken away. Lets face it, there have been so many I've forgotten more of them than I remember :)

Hello to more of me again...the one that used to write on a daily basis about anything and everything

No overhaul would be complete without a new title and look. So when I say, 'say goodbye to spilling the beans', I mean that literally. It is without any further ado that I introduce you to my brand new blog:

NO REGRETS

Thanks for the memories :)

p.s For those of you signed up via the feedburner rss feed, you don't need to change anything, I'll be doing that later on tomorrow/today depending on when you read this. If necessary please alter your bookmarks and/or change your blogrolls. I really do promise this one is here for a very long time :) I'm done with all the changes. It's time to sit back and enjoy my life :)

woohoo!

I've got a hard on.....the f18s are back in town.

Must go clean up mess now :)

stay tuned..

I've been working on a few things in the background here at spilling the beans. As I'm want to do! I have a couple things I'm looking into, trying out etc etc which I'll let you all know about before long...

In the meantime why not check out some of the archives, or go take a geezer at those who are on my blogroll! Tell em I said hi, I've been a little slack, I've been reading, but not commenting much. Doesn't mean don't love em anymore though! Anyway, have fun and wish me luck in my ventures into the unknown........

memories

After a few requests regards my poems -and I use the term loosely :) -, here is a little something I wrote back in September. I write to express myself, so at the time of writing emotions are usually fairly raw and I can't share until those emotions are dealt with...enjoy.

kissing a memory,
too old to remember,
pain still so fresh, but
I will not surrender
who built the walls,
was it me, was it you?
too great to bring down,
if only you knew
my silence betrays,
just how lost I feel,
need to find me again,
need to be real
the taste of tomorrow,
so inviting and sweet,
with yesterday gone,
the worlds at my feet
what will I do with it?
can't let myself down
maybe the numbness
will finally drown
but hope springs eternal
I can still see the sun
if only it shone
then i'd be done

©2006

comebacks..

I very rarely post funny emails that I get, but here is an excerpt of one that I received earlier this week:

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." <-----this is my personal favorite!

SMART ASS ANSWER #1
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Now the reason I even mention these is because I recently came up with my own great comeback....***Update, this is not an unusual occurrence for me by the way, far from it, it's just that this one in particular has been a long time coming...round here we serve comebacks for brekkie, free of charge even :)

In our household, there has been for all time, and will probably be engraved on Mum's headstone, a favorite saying that is used on a regular basis. It is common practice to utter the phrase "Women's not a camel you know!" whilst waiting patiently for a cuppa that has been offered/bought/promised and has yet to materialise. Whilst chatting on yahoo messenger last night - and before you say it yes, I realise the idiocy in instant messaging someone who is literally no more than 2 feet away, hey she's got a new toy and is having fun! - I get a message from her..

Mum - "women's not a camel you know..."

Me - "Well I should hope not, if you were, your humps are on backwards"

hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe

Sorry, I thought it was good :)

Got any of your own comebacks that you'd care to share? The more smart ass like, the better...

Have a good weekend people, I probably won't be around much, have a very hectic social calender. Ok, techincally I don't, Zoe does, but seeing as how she can't do them on her own, I can claim them right?!!

ethical dilemma...

Ok, I got a book out from the library called "101 Ethical Dilemmas" by Martin Cohen- just for fun. I know, I know, how sick am I right?! Anyway, thought I'd share one with you all...let me know what you would do! And be honest, this is just a blog, not some worldwide forum where what we say adversely affects the rest of humankind. Have fun....

"Sam's live-in partner has a taste in expensive nik-naks - things like toasters which burn an icon of the day's weather on the toast, or solar-powered fountains for the garden pond. The toaster is in the cupboard as it always burnt the middle of the tast and under-did the rest, whilst the garden fountain clogged up after a day and sank to the bottom of the pond.

Unsolicited, a catalogue drops through the letterbox from a very fancy - and expensive - postal store, computer-addressed to the partner.

Should Sam quietly get rid of it before they can be misled - or give it to them when they get home and wait for the next disastrous mistake?"

Personally I would LOVE to throw the thing straight in the bin, but I'm not convinced this would be the right thing to do.

For one thing, the mail is addressed to a particlar person, therefore Sam is throwing out someone else's mail. If it had been addressed to the 'householder' or some other generic term, then so sad, too bad, adios.

On another note, surely Sam's partner has the right to choose what he/she purchases with their money? To take away that choice is an infringement on his partner's freedom. It's not Sam's choice to make.

Having said all that, I'm sure everyone would think along the lines of 'Well, they would never know would they?' and I will admit, I'd be one of them. As for whether I'd act on it? Put me in that position and I'll let ya know :)

Feel free to discuss in finer detail. I doubt that I'll be blogging tomorrow. Between PT session yesterday, swimming this morning and Yoga this evening I have a funny feeling my body is going to rebel in a big way tomorrow. Besides, mum's got a new toy that I need to tweak, but I'll let her tell you all about that one......have fun!

choices..

I'm lucky enough to live in a country where we have the freedom of choice. Combined with the variety of careers, the options that both women, and men, now have in society and the knowledge we possess as a whole, there are now more choices than ever to be made. But is this a good thing? Are we happier people for it? Sometimes I seriously wonder if we are indeed better off.

As a women, I now have more choice than ever before. I can choose a career, and in any field in which I'm competent. I have the choice of being a single mother, live in a defacto relationship, or even be the one to ask for a divorce. Heck I can even vote these days! But is the choice complicating things? Can I truly ever be content with what I've got knowing that there is so many other options open to me? What if I do this childcare course, and get a job. Am I going to wake up in 5 or so years and think "Gee, what if something else I could have done would be even MORE satisfying?" The same can be said for matters of the heart. Once upon a time, marriage was FOREVER, literally. The only way you got out of a marriage was in a pine box. Nowadays, it seems as though marriage and/or relationships are as disposable as the new age toasters we buy that are more expensive to repair than to replace. And between the world becoming smaller and smaller with sophisticated means of communication and faster means of transport, and the increase in population, the number potential partners has increased exponentially. So are we always on the lookout for someone better? Is it easier to 'replace' rather than 'repair'? Do we bow out too early knowing there are more choices out there? Why are we eternally searching for 'perfect' or near perfect, when 'content' used to be ok?
I've just read this through again, and just want to clarify something. I don't mean this last paragraph to appear as though I'm suggesting people stay married no matter WHAT. All I'm saying is that I think lots of people just run at the first sign of a bad spot, and all relationships have them, rather than try to work through what could be a temporary thing because they think that something better is out there. Many relationships run their course naturally, or people grow apart, or change, things never get worked out no matter how much you try etc etc...

Pay TV vs free to air is one example of where too much choice isn't necessarily a good thing. Here in Aus we have 5 free to air channels. On pay tv with every channel open there are around 40. So how come we are quite content with the free to air, but as soon as austar is in the house there is nothing to watch? I believe that it's because with so much choice, we are always looking for something better. Your flicking through, see something you wouldn't mind seeing, but secretly wonder if there is something you want to watch even more is on, or coming up.

When we have more choice, we have higher expectations. I think this is because we automatically assume there are levels of choice. I can choose this cake and it will nice, but gee, that cake could even be nicer because it's more expensive, or made with different ingredients. We can choose between first class, business, and economy when flying a plane. Even when making purchases we now have much more choice. But again, we always wonder, did we make the RIGHT choice? Was there a better one out there? At what point will we allow ourselves to be happy with the choices we've made and accept the life those decisions have given us instead of looking at the other side and wondering if the grass is greener?

More choice has benefited society as a whole. Medicine, education, lifestyle. These are all aspects which have been enhanced by variety and choice. But as individuals, I'm not so sure somedays. Then on others I think, shit, do I have the "Kona or Hazelnut coffee?' and I think that life can't get any better than this...

You are invited to dinner...

What do you think of the main course on offer??!!

We spent yesterday afternoon at the Museum, and this was one of the illusions they had....isn't it cool! We had a ball. Lots of interactive things to do, and of course with the kids having the attention spans of dead gnats they just ran round to all of them before really taking much notice of what it was trying to teach them! My sister's boyfriend and his 6 year old daughter (of whom I will post a similar pic to the one above as soon as I ask him if it's ok!) took us along as my sister was outta town for a wedding. It was good to see the girls have some fun.

In totally unrelated news, Zoe has her first birthday party invitation since being here! Yay! I'm excited for her.

Again on a completely different note, I went to the library today and borrowed a book which I feel will contain some blog fodder....see later in the week. I need to have a good look through it and pick what I'm going to write about....stay tuned.

And just to top of the sporadic thoughts, I'm off to enroll in my first subject at TAFE tomorrow...WOOHOO!!!

I think that'll do. I'm having an early night tonight..need to prepare body and mind in readiness for tomorrow's activities. I also have personal trainer session so need to coax muscles out of hiding!

mchappy day

Last week, Zoe saw some ads on the telly for McHappy Day and asked what it was, so I told her all about it. So she made an envelope, and wrote a poster asking people to help the sick kids...and put some money in it as a donation. It was her own money that nanny had given to her to do what she wanted with it. It was just gorgeous. She made me promise to take her so that she could give them the envelope and donation and buy a big mac to donate another dollar to the Ronald McDonald House charity. So we did. They loved her present and put the donation in their cans and then stuck her poster up on the wall with the coloring competition entrants. Then she had her face painted.

I love that she not only wants to know about charities, and giving, but that she understands that its a good thing to do, AND she wants to do it. She quite often asks for coins to put in the guide dog money boxes at the supermarket, or instead of throwing toys and old clothes out we'll give them to charity shops to sell or give to those less fortunate. I'm really very proud of my little girl who has a social conscious and who genuinely loves to help others....guess I must be doing something right hey! If your in Australia, and haven't done so already, head on down to your nearest Maccas and buy a big mac. If Zoe can do it, then so can you...have a good one!

digital photography

I took some photos today, with my new digital camera (man I'm still smiling over being able to say that!) while waiting for the home delivery ice-cream man to come along our street. I deliberately took one with the intention of turning an ordinary photo into a better one, just to prove to myself that I can indeed take an interesting shot, and that not all the decent ones are the result of pure arse or luck.

Raw Photo:

After I'd played around with it, but only a little bit:.

Now I'm not even close to being able to call myself even an amateur at this point, "interested party" when it comes to photography would probably be more appropriate, but I must say I'm mighty pleased with myself for these! I took the photo with the modified version in mind. I liked the lines, and thought they would look great in black and white, and they do. I'm learning more and more about the Gimp program everyday and it's fantastic. For those of you that don't know what it is, it's basically the Open Source equivalent to Photoshop. I can't wait to see what I can do in a few months once I've learned a bit more about all the functions it has to offer. I'm really looking forward to it actually!

Here's one of the other pics I took too....untouched in anyway except a little cropping. I'm learning what all the settings on the camera do still, so don't critique me too much ok? I just loved the colors and I'm very impressed with how the camera handled them, and the light. Not bad for a little digital compact hey?

I can see I'm going to have fun with this photography thing, just the outlet I've always wanted for my creative side I think, between taking the photo's and messing around with them. I WILL do a course for it one day, this is just way to much fun and satisfying somewhere deep inside my heart and soul for me to not do something about it.

men are sooks!

According to this report, men mistake the common cold for the flu and take more time to 'recover' than women. But then us ladies have known that for eons haven't we, and now we have some statistical backup. Who needs stats and online surveys to tell us that men are just big sooky lala babies when it comes to being sick.

First there is 'having a man's look' - when you can't see something right in front of you, or take a casual glance into a room and claim to have searched high and low for it, now there is 'man flu' where you get to take twice as much time off work, feel sorry for yourself and claim to be the sickest person there ever was, has been, or will be all because their nose is a little runny and they occasionally cough!

That right there is why men don't give birth ladies and gentlemen. They'd have one stab at it, never go back or tell their mates how bloody terrible pregnancy and childbirth is, and this race would die out due to lack of reproduction :)

I'm updating this post to add a very appropriate line from an email sent to me today -by anonoypop- entitled "Rules of Man"

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Did I ever tell you about...when I found out I was pregnant?

I'd been feeling a little off for some time, even been to the doctors and had a few tests done, one of those being a pregnancy test. Nothing was found so I continued to just feel like crap. I was tired, grumpy, my digestive system wasn't what it used to be resulting in issues of a kind that I'd never had to deal with before. At one point the doctor was going to check for irritable bowel syndrome!

Anyway, I'd just kind of accepted that something wasn't right, but seeing as how we could find nothing I just went on living life. Working, playing and putting on the little pot belly that always arrives just before winter. That was until the bad gas started. There seemed to be no rhyme nor reason to it. I watched what I was eating to see if that was the problem, but nothing seemed to be related. So off I trundle to the doctor. It was getting ridiculous. Lotsa gas inside, but nothing coming out where it was supposed to..kinda freaked me out really!

So we go through the usual, temperature, blood pressure, weight, yadda yadda yadda. He asked me to pop up on the table and lay down so could feel my tummy. He pokes, he prods, he feels. He says "Thats not gas, your feeling, thats someone saying hello!"

I was speechless. No speechless is too subtle a word. Flabbergasted. Dumbstruck. IN TOTAL AND UTTER disbelief still doesn't even come close. I think from memory my response was "Are you sure?" He just looked at me and pointed to the umpteen degrees on the wall. He did a urine test just to be sure..that little cross came through in a nanosecond. It was definite. I was pregnant. The question now was, how far along was I? He hazarded a guess and suggested around 4 months....HOLY CRAP! Not only was I pregnant but I was at least a third of the way through!

For most people, this would be startling news enough. But for me it was doubly so. See earlier in my life I was told that I probably wouldn't be able to have kids. After several miscarriages, exploratory surgery and no reason for what was happening to me and my body, the doctors eventually concluded that perhaps my reproductive system would never really work properly. Sometimes it just happens. Whilst they could find no valid reason why I was having problems, I was.

Now, here was a doctor telling me that indeed I was going to have a baby. It was my dream come true. Literally. All I ever wanted was to be a mum. I had career aspirations, I had goals, but they were always changing depending upon my mood. But becoming a mum was something I had dreamed of since I was 16 and had never wavered.

I was a little emotional as he got me an appointment for an ultrasound as a due date would be a handy thing. In the absence of a 'last period' factor that would actually help, it would be deduced from the size of the baby which had grown unbeknownst to me over the last 20 odd weeks. If I thought that the previous days appointment was emotional, nothing prepared me for the ultrasound.

I arrived, with extremely full bladder as requested and waited with about 5 other ladies all in rather urgent need of a toilet for the doctor to call our names. We waited. And waited. And waited some more. FINALLY some were asked to come through, me being one of them. The male doctor was aware of the waiting time, and the fact that there were still more waiting so he rushed through all the different things he was supposed to be looking for and then he said "Theres the heart, can you see it beating?" He turned up the volume and then I could HEAR it. I lost the plot...burst into tears. THIS WAS REAL..There was life in my body and there was it's hearbeat...I was sobbing so much he couldn't see anything properly on the screen now with all the movement. He asked if I was ok. My response?

"Yesterday I thought I had gas, and now I'm looking at a heartbeat on a screen, forgive me if I'm a little emotional"

To his credit, he immediately stopped what he was doing, and whilst getting me some much needed tissues said he would back things up a bit and apologised for assuming I'd had an ultrasound before seeing as how I was so far along. He gave me a few moments to compose myself and tell him my story. He asked if I wanted to know what sex the baby was. I said 'hell yeah, I've had enough of surprises already thanks!' He took a look around and after more time decided I was having a girl. He wanted to be sure so went to get another doctor who had a 100% success rate in determining sex so I could be sure. It gave me a few moments to think. Bad move.

I was having a baby. An unplanned baby. A baby I shouldn't be having. They said so didn't they?? Her father and I had broken up because he had 'been there, done that' with the whole family thing and wasn't sure if he wanted to do it again. I did. Not necessarily with him, but at some point I did. I would be a single mum. Not exactly the rosy dreams I'd been holding close since I could remember. What kind of mother would I be when I didn't even know I was pregnant? The guilt kicked in at that point. How could I not know? How on earth could I look after a child when I didn't even recognise that I was carrying one? Then I got worried. I'd been smoking, drinking, heavy physical work, eating like crap. OMG what if there was something wrong with my baby?

The doctors arrived and I said forget about the sex for the minute, I need to know if my baby has all the right bits in all the right places. They quickly assured me everything was just fine and my little girl was doing just nicely. I don't think I've ever been so relieved in all my life as I was at that point. Turns out that not only was she doing well, but she was 24 weeks into a 40 week pregnancy, over half way already.....doctor was only out by a few weeks!

Later on that night, I'd called her father, I was on the phone to him and we were discussing a few things when names came up. He had two boys so I asked him what girls name he would have chosen if they'd had a girl. He didn't even hesitate. "ZOE" I really liked it. "Ok," I said, "what about middle names? I'd like my middle name" He replied with Amy - his mothers name. So two middle names were decided on. I could see no reason why not and that way we both had a say. (At this point in time he was excited about the idea of having a baby girl and was going to be part of her life) "Alright - so we've got ZOE LOUISE AMY" but it didn't sound right..."What about ZOE AMY LOUISE?" I simultaneously heard "That's IT!" in triplicate as mum, anonypop and her father all agreed. It sounded right. It felt right. It was perfect.

And so she was she.

Zoe at four days old.

And that is how I found out I was pregnant, with a baby girl whose name would be Zoe Amy Louise - all within a very small amount of time. I found it wonderfully ironic to learn that her name meant "LIFE" Very appropriate!

Seachange

Ok, I know I promised to do a thought provoking post last night, but to be honest I just couldn't get motivated. It's still on the way, but thought I would update you all on what's been happening around here.....it's all very exciting!

• I had that interview with TAFE on Friday and learned all about that course I was accepted for in a one on one with one of the teachers. Not only will I be able to do the course full time next year with it being flexible enough that I can still pick up/drop off Zoe to school, and not be penalised if I can't make it because she's sick or something like that, BUT it will automatically qualify me for the subsidised fees. How stupid is this. In order to get the subsidised fees, one must be working within the industry. Now the reason people like myself enrol in these courses is to help gain employment in a field we have no experience in. But if I'm NOT working, then I have to pay the whole lot. The only reason I'll get the subsidy is because of the concession card I get for being a single mum. I do not want to wait until next year to start however so I'm still going to enrol in 1 subject, possibly 2. Just means that when I go full time in February, I'll be able to miss those classes as I'll have already done them and receive credits! I'll also get a credit for the first aid certificate I did a few months ago as part of the brekky program at Zoe's old school. It just keeps getting better and better. The second I'm enrolled I can apply for jobs in the industry already...it's all just so weird!
• A complete makeover of my life and myself wouldn't be complete without doing some tweaking around here so there is a new theme, check it out if you have your favorite already chosen. It's very aptly called seachange. (Sorry WC, I deleted the files for your favorite so it won't work..I promise to do another one soon ok??!!) Despite the recent poll I decided to leave all bar the sadness one up...it was the only one to not receive a vote which was a fair call cause it did kind of suck hey?
• Remember that draw I was in for a digital camera?? Well you'll never believe it but I won it! I've never won anything decent in my life except a tongue lashing so to say I was surprised is the understatement of the year. It's a little samsung compact that actually packs quite a punch. It has pretty much everything a girl could want in her first digital and it's already copped a caning :) I need some lithium batteries though...The background on the new theme is one of the photos I took of the beach down along The Strand with some tweaking on my part. The two pics featured in the header were literally taken today. Mum reckons I am just like a kid with a new toy and she's right..I'm having a ball! Expect a few more pics around Spilling the Beans from now on. Just to show I'm serious, the photos on the left there are some I prepared earlier. Quality aint what it should be but then I did compress them just a bit...you get the idea though!

Ok, now you are all pretty much caught up, it's my turn aint it??! I've started catching up on some of your blogs, however with only short bursts of free time, it's hard to devote the proper attention to your lives and thoughts, so I'm planning on sitting down and doing that tomorrow afternoon/evening. We have a full day planned and to be honest as soon as this post is written, I'm publishing it (which is likely to take 1/2 hour so my apologies if you've experienced problems viewing STB while it's doing so) and heading to bed. Hope your weekend is a good one and your having as great a time as I am!!

Update: I've finally managed to publish, but with a slight change..I've disable the entry pages so there aren't as many pages to publish...nothing much has changed really and I reckon most of you won't even notice except I've told ya!

Today is the day!

I have an appointment with the TAFE today about that course I want to do. I can't wait....this is the last thing I really wanted to do and now I'll be doing it!!!

Seems that all the motivation, passion and inspiration that used to help me blog nearly everyday is being channeled into other areas right now as you've probably noticed. I used to use this space as an escape from reality and now the need to do that is far less than it used to be. Not that I lived a pretend life on here, but it's easier to hide from the world, yourself and issues you may just want to not have to think about. I think once I have my whole routine figured out then once again I'll have a set time each day to be here. But until then, I'm thinking that Spilling the Beans will be a little dull. Sorry folks! I do have a couple of posts on the go...one of which I hope to post later on tonight. Of course being online a lot less means I'm not reading blogs as often as I would usually...please don't think it's cos I don't still love you all, or your thoughts and lives, it's just this is my ME time and thats where my energies are focused right now. Besides, mum keeps pinching my blog fodder, or as anonypop so eloquently put it last night "fod blogger!!" I guess it was always going to happen, I mean we are eerily alike in some ways, so when we both see news articles or something humorous, we both want to respond in some way. Nothing wrong with it and I think it's fantastic that she's now let loose on the world. Love ya mum...keep it up and PLEASE don't think I'm having a go at ya here ok?! I have plenty of things still left to say, and will do so when I find the time to do so.

Please all send me your bestest vibes/prayers/thoughts for two reasons. One I'm in the draw to win a digital camera - which would be totally icing on the cake in my new life, and of course the other is the whole TAFE thing. It's actually exciting and a little scary to realise that you may just be about to start on a career path that 2 years ago you would never have thought of and that couldn't be more far removed from what you've known your whole working life. I'm really looking forward to it!

Oh I forgot to mention the Yoga course mum and I started on Wednesday...it was GREAT. I knew I would enjoy it, but I think mum was a little surprised at her response to it. Despite the humorous post she did in which she claims to have been tied up like a pretzel, she really did feel just a little better at the end of it all....didn't you mum?!

Take it easy folks, I promise to have a thought provoking post about my sometime twisted views on the world later on tonight.....right now I'm off to take the munchkin to school then head to the gym now that I have the feeling back in my arms and legs after my first ever Personal Training session on Tuesday..there's also a practical reason I haven't blogged much this week, it hurt to BREATHE let alone sit down and type!

Love to you all....

Life's good

It seems as though I've almost reached everything I was striving for just a short time ago. As of next Friday, the very last piece of my new puzzle will be in place and the next chapter of my life will be well underway.

You see Wednesday night is the first night of our Yoga Beginner's class, I've even managed to rope mum and Mel to come along with me for that one :) We are confirmed and rearing to go. Next Friday I have an interview/orientation for that Tafe course I enrolled in. Seems my application was accepted and a letter was sent out on Thursday, which I found out upon ringing to find out WTF was happening and why I hadn't heard anything after two and half weeks. Not sure whether the whole 'letter is in the mail' was just a line, or whether it really was and my timing was pure coincidence. Either way I don't care. The lady I spoke to on the phone made the appointment for me and I don't see her doing that unless it was fair dinkum can you?

I'm not sure what's going on, but I am totally stunned at just how quickly, and easily, everything has come together. Is it simply my time? Or is the new attitude, the new me, and the longing for change simply attracting all the right energies into my life? Its felt like for so long that I've been swimming against the tide, and all of a sudden, the tide has turned. Everything is right in front of me for the taking, and there is nothing I can't achieve right now. If I wish it, it will happen. So what do I wish for next? Or do I be content with this new life and simply enjoy all it entails. At the moment I'm taking a moment each day to just sit back, and smell the coffee, and revel in the small but extraordinary changes in me and the world around me. The simple things are important again. My goals seemed so out of my league yet I'm surpassing them each and every day with little or no effort. I keep wondering when the bubble is going to burst...

I've been a bit slack with staying in touch with my 'old life' too. Not because it's not important to me, or I no longer care for those people who were part of that life. I think perhaps it's simply that I'm scared to linger too much in the past for fear of not being able to step into the future. If I don't jump completely, perhaps I'll not succeed. I feel bad sometimes. But at the same time know that those friends and family, or parts of myself that I may be neglecting understand that I'm not like this because I don't care for them anymore, but it's just how I need to do this, or else I may not do it. I have no doubts that when I'm certain this new phase of my life isn't going anywhere, I'll be a better friend, a better daughter, and a better sister, better aunty and a better ME.

No matter how much I feel like a new person, and have a whole new life, I'm still the same old ME. I still have the same wants, needs, desires, feelings, likes and dislikes. I think the real change isn't WHO I am, but WHAT I choose to listen to from within, and how I choose to present myself to the world. It's a shift in perception. How I perceive myself, and the world. It's different priorities. The 'to do' list is still the same, I've just rearranged that list into something that I want and need rather than what others need from me. Or perhaps, what I THINK they need from me. Maybe thats been my mistake all along...

Last, but certainly not least, I'm giving up smoking....wish me luck. I think between the whole cleansing of the mind and body, striving for a better health level and a nagging Zoe who reads my smoke packet to me every day and can tell you the QUIT line off by heart along with all the physical negatives, I realised it was time. Hey, I'm on a roll, I've got a pretty good chance of beating it this time don't I?!

bucket of shit..

conection is dodgy, I feel like crap, have the house to myself and Zoe all weekend and will probably spend most of it cursing the net speed or lack thereof, in bed bemoaning being a women and gorging myself stupid on some of that fudge I made.....

Hope you are all doing better than me right now!

my brain is melting

I seem to be having a dry spell when it comes to writing stuff for you to read. I have a few ideas, but nothing of substance at this point. So heres a quick update on whats been happening in our neck of the woods.

• Zoe's new school held some celebrations today for it's 90th birthday. Nothing too major seeing as how they held a huge 75th apparently. It was really good to see so many past students come along, gives me more confidence in the school.
• Her teacher had a little chat with me this morning while I was doing the readers. Seems she has had a chat to the appropriate teacher about getting some extension work for Zoe with her literacy. It was good to hear, I was about a week off having a chat with her about Zoe's reluctance to go to school 1 in 3 mornings because it's boring.
• She is still being a pain in the butt. Zoe I mean, not her teacher. I was so frustrated last night that I just yelled at her to shut up. I hate yelling at her, and I can't remember ever telling her to shut up. I had a chat to her about why I was so bloody cranky, and how she could change her behaviour so I wasn't quite so much the big bad witch all the time. Not sure if I got through or not, there's been some small improvement today, but we'll just wait and see.
• I went to the gym yesterday. I was shown how to use all the equipment, how to set them up to suit my size and what weight to have things on etc etc. Then I did the program. Man am I sore today! But I feel good. I'm also stronger than I thought and the instructor was impressed because I actually look so bloody puny :) The best bit? The other people doing their programs were all men. Hot men. Hot fit men. Hot fit working out their already toned bodies men. And I'm now permanently booked in at around the same time each week. I can see me 'forgetting' how to use some of the equipment and having to ask for some help in the future. If I ever ask for a reminder on why I' doing this then refer me to this post ok?!
• Yoga starts next Wednesday night. Mum and my sister are coming along as well. Should be great. I am totally loving the body balance class at gym and would like to drop the body pump one and do the balance twice a week instead. It incorporates yoga, pilates and tai chi all in one. Just awesome. The best bit? It ends with around 10 mins of guided meditation....how many gym classes do you go to where you end up totally relaxed in body and mind at the end??!
• Zoe, Shane and Maddison have their own blog. I set up an account for Jod's to sign into today so we should start seeing posts and pages before long. If you want a sneak peek before they start getting the hang of it, or just bookmark it already, click here for the link.

I'm outta here, I seriously need to play catch up on your blogs. With all the sun turning my brain into slush and me getting a life and everything, I haven't been online as much lately...but you probably noticed right?! Take care one and all....and remember -If you can't be good, be good at it.