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my daughter, the nerd...

Well I bought Zoe a present today. She's at home sick with a cold - which if left unchecked in cold air can set off her asthma - and has been a trooper. She was so excited when I gave it to her, she nearly cried. It was a bloody DICTIONARY! It's official, Zoe is a nerd, a geek, one of those kids that forever has their nose in a book, has more questions than I have answers and genuinely enjoys learning and exploring the world. Now, I don't see anything wrong with any of this. I love her more than I ever thought possible, but my god I'm scared for her!

You see I was also a geek, the nerd, the straight A student who was endlessly picked on, laughed at and generally just made fun of at school. Admittedly not so much in primary school, but at high school...it was horrible. It never seemed to bother me too much but then again I wasn't "THE" nerd of the school. You know the kid that reads the dictionary on the bus? The one whose socks were always perfectly aligned with one another at right angles to the hypotenuse of the blah blah blah.....Every school has one. It's as compulsory as a school bully.

Anyway, back to the point. I'm scared Zoe is going to be that kid. As a parent I'm torn. Do I continue encouraging and developing Zoe's special talents and desires for learning? Or do I persuade her that sports, and cool clothes are far more important? Do I buy her a hard cover Encyclopedia? Or do I get her a karaoke machine with all her friends favorite songs on it? Do I throw out the dictionary and buy some paper doll books instead? Do I embrace the nerdness and simply beat up any who dare pick on her? Or do I make her a superficial "Cool kid?"

Having been the geek at school, I wouldn't wish some of what I experienced upon anyone. At the same time I WISH I had the same opportunities that she will receive as a result of better education system that caters for those like her. Perhaps some of my schooling experiences would have been more enjoyable had I been challenged, and worked with other kids like myself. When all is said and done, I didn't turn out too bad, and whilst there are some tough memories from school, some of the best times of my life are also from that time. But for that poor bloke who used to read the dictionary on the school bus (yes there really was a kid at our school who was THAT much of a nerd) his life must have been a living nightmare....not that I think he honestly saw it that way, I don't think he gave a rats ass!

I want Zoe to be happy, in whatever capacity she chooses. But I find myself already pushing her. Not in a scholarly fashion, in fact its the dead opposite. I have to push her out the door and say 'just go play!' On the school holidays she nearly cried when I wouldn't let her start her 'homework' (the pile of worksheets her teacher generously let me gather at Zoe's request) on Good Friday. I told her NO, you need a break Zoe, just enjoy yourself, and your toys, and being outside looking for bugs and getting dirty and all those things that you do as a child. But am I doing that for her? Or for me? Am I simply scared that she'll become that nerd kid we all picked on in school and can't bear the thought of watching it? What if thats she wants to be? Do I have the right to try and make her something other than what she is, or will become? How much of our influence as a parent do we have the right to exercise when it comes to who our children will become?

I guess that no matter what we do, our children are ultimately responsible for the person they will be, but the responsibility of guiding them along their journey is as heartbreakingly difficult as it is joyous. I doubt my decisions and abilities as a mother every day, and have done so since the day she was born. I guess I should be concerned if I ever stop doing that, it means I don't give a shit.

p.s THE NERD from our school? He's now working for NASA.....