Back to main page

Top Ten things your waiter/waitress is just dying to say to you.

Having spent the majority of my working life in hospitality, there were many a time I had to bite my bloody tongue when serving customers who are such wankers as to hardly qualify as human. Anyone who has the pleasure of waiting upon others whilst they eat can relate I'm sure. So here they are. The top ten things I would have LOVED to have said at one time or another...

10) You can get your own water. See it's right THERE.

9) Yes that is a fly in your dessert, the chef spit on your steak too. Oh and there was snot in your soup.

8) You can just bloody well wait!

7) Actually the special tastes like shit, don't order it.

6) No, I wouldn't like to bring you the dessert menu, I want you to leave already. I got a party to go to.

5) I'm being nice to you because I'm paid to be nice, not because I think you're cute. Dork.

4) Are you sure you can afford this? Those shoes look like they cost you 50c.

3) You could have left a bigger tip you tight ass

2) Oh shit, I forgot to give your order to the kitchen!

1) Would you like a bib?

p.s If you haven't already, be sure to check out Gina. She's this week's renter and I've neglected her rather badly with the whole 9/11 thing. Sorry Gina...i'm usually a better landlord than this :)