Back to main page

in two days...

...I'll walk out this door with my daughter, some suitcases, and memories.

I'll be leaving behind so much more.

The end of any relationship is hard. But what's especially hard about my decision to leave this one is that leaving isn't what I want to do. It's what I need to do. They are very different things. So why leave then right? There are many answers to that, with the biggest one being this: My needs are not being heard, and therefore not being met. And unless both parties needs are being met, no relationship is going to work. No matter how hard you both want it to. It's not that Stu doesn't want to meet my needs, or those of this relationship. It's just that he isn't capable of it right now. And won't be for months, possibly years.

As most of you know, Stu has bipolar. He has had since well and truly before our life together started. It's an extremely selfish mental illness in that initially it requires all of someones energies and efforts to manage, and bring it under control. In the meantime, the rest of life just gets left behind. Including loved ones and their needs. I don't want to hate Stu, but if I stay here that's what will happen. The resentment for the selfish nature of bipolar will build to the point of no return. No matter how much I understand bipolar, no matter how much my head knows the reasons for thought patterns and behaviours, my heart doesn't get it. Just one example of how that affects this relationship on a regular basis is the fact that my heart cannot fathom that life seems so bad that he has suicidal thoughts. And I know that it's not even that he thinks life is bad, it's the thought processes brought about by chemical imbalances. A physical reaction to stress or his triggers. But try explaining to that my heart. Each and every time he's on a downward spiral into the darkest of moments, my heart bleeds, it dies a little, and I wonder why are Zoe and myself here then? Why are we a part of your life when it obviously sucks so bad? Why are you telling me when you know that there is nothing I can say or do to help, or stop those thought patterns? I KNOW that that isn't how it really is. But try telling my heart that...

You know I could sit here for hours and talk about the reasons this must end. But I won't right now. I can't. The hurt is still too raw. And the love is still there. I wish it wasn't. It would make this much easier if the love had been eroded over time....