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comebacks..

I very rarely post funny emails that I get, but here is an excerpt of one that I received earlier this week:

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." <-----this is my personal favorite!

SMART ASS ANSWER #1
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Now the reason I even mention these is because I recently came up with my own great comeback....***Update, this is not an unusual occurrence for me by the way, far from it, it's just that this one in particular has been a long time coming...round here we serve comebacks for brekkie, free of charge even :)

In our household, there has been for all time, and will probably be engraved on Mum's headstone, a favorite saying that is used on a regular basis. It is common practice to utter the phrase "Women's not a camel you know!" whilst waiting patiently for a cuppa that has been offered/bought/promised and has yet to materialise. Whilst chatting on yahoo messenger last night - and before you say it yes, I realise the idiocy in instant messaging someone who is literally no more than 2 feet away, hey she's got a new toy and is having fun! - I get a message from her..

Mum - "women's not a camel you know..."

Me - "Well I should hope not, if you were, your humps are on backwards"

hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe

Sorry, I thought it was good :)

Got any of your own comebacks that you'd care to share? The more smart ass like, the better...

Have a good weekend people, I probably won't be around much, have a very hectic social calender. Ok, techincally I don't, Zoe does, but seeing as how she can't do them on her own, I can claim them right?!!

You are invited to dinner...

What do you think of the main course on offer??!!

We spent yesterday afternoon at the Museum, and this was one of the illusions they had....isn't it cool! We had a ball. Lots of interactive things to do, and of course with the kids having the attention spans of dead gnats they just ran round to all of them before really taking much notice of what it was trying to teach them! My sister's boyfriend and his 6 year old daughter (of whom I will post a similar pic to the one above as soon as I ask him if it's ok!) took us along as my sister was outta town for a wedding. It was good to see the girls have some fun.

In totally unrelated news, Zoe has her first birthday party invitation since being here! Yay! I'm excited for her.

Again on a completely different note, I went to the library today and borrowed a book which I feel will contain some blog fodder....see later in the week. I need to have a good look through it and pick what I'm going to write about....stay tuned.

And just to top of the sporadic thoughts, I'm off to enroll in my first subject at TAFE tomorrow...WOOHOO!!!

I think that'll do. I'm having an early night tonight..need to prepare body and mind in readiness for tomorrow's activities. I also have personal trainer session so need to coax muscles out of hiding!

shopping centers

Went shopping this afternoon. Whilst I love the variety that big shopping centers offer with their multitudes of shops, there are a couple of things that really bug me about them.

Firstly, when you aren't looking for something in particular, you see hundreds of them. Then when you go looking, you think there is one to be found? Not bloody likely. Today, I went looking for some nail polish. Being the cheapskate that I am when it comes to purchasing items that I may use for a total of 5 minutes once every 3 months, I went looking in those shops that have such an abundance that you'd swear they procreate in the middle of the night. Discount cosmetic stores. However being a fussy turd when it comes to my nails, I went looking for the ones that have the ball bearings in them. Easier to keep them from going all gloopy. Yes thats a real word. Anyone who has left the lid of their nail polish slightly ajar will understand what gloopy is and agree that it should be included in the next version of Webster's Dictionary. But, as per shopping center rules, I couldn't find one to save my life. Bloody typical really.

Secondly, the phenomenon known as the school-girl-chain. You know the ones I mean. Those teenage girls in school uniform who SHOULD be at school linking arms and extend from one shop to the other not allowing anyone else to pass. The only thing that can save you is a guy whom one has a crush on being sited which sends them into fits of giggles as they retract into each other to instantly become a ball of flesh and hormones. Kind of like one of those little furry caterpillars that curl up into a ball when you touch it. Scary creatures really, and I don't mean the caterpillars.

Lastly, it should be against the law to NOT have the center music being piped into the toilets. There are some sounds that just shouldn't be heard by the general public. I think I'm going to write a letter to my local council tomorrow imploring them to write a bylaw to introduce this measure in the name of common decency and humanity. Care to sign a petition if I start one should they not see reason?

Enjoy your weekend peoples, I intend on doing just that....I'm not going anywhere near a major shopping center :)

Caption Competition - part 2

Well I must admit that whilst I was disappointed with the number of responses, from you, my VERY funny readers, what I did receive ALL deserve a mention. So here they are, in the order in which they arrived cos I can't decide on a 'winner':

Mrs A: "Where? Where is it? YOU TOLD ME that if I stick my finger any further up my nose I'll pull my brain out so WHERE IS IT?"

Vancouver Voyeur: "That has got to be the tiniest booger I've ever seen!"

Writer Chick: "Boogers, anyone? "

Michael: "Arrrrgggg...I got it! Mum, I think I got really got it! Look!"

You ALL made me spit my coffee (let me know if you want a graphic!!), you ALL made me laugh, and I can imagine Zoe saying ALL of them...maybe I'll get her to say them, record it and post them...if I can be bothered. I'm guessing you all had fun coming up with these. But honestly, who wouldn't with the bloody hilarious photo??!!

This was so much fun I might make it a regular feature.....not like I don't have enough funny photo's now is it?

Caption Competition

Thats my girl....this is the child who has an iq two points shy of being moderately being gifted in some areas.

Prizes may/may not include the following:

• A bit of fun

• Making me laugh

• A pimp post

• The coveted "You made me spit my coffee" award

So fill the comment page up with your captions people!

p.s Mum, no point in calling welfare, I already did, making fun of the funny faces your child pulls is NOT considered child abuse :)

Top Ten things your waiter/waitress is just dying to say to you.

Having spent the majority of my working life in hospitality, there were many a time I had to bite my bloody tongue when serving customers who are such wankers as to hardly qualify as human. Anyone who has the pleasure of waiting upon others whilst they eat can relate I'm sure. So here they are. The top ten things I would have LOVED to have said at one time or another...

10) You can get your own water. See it's right THERE.

9) Yes that is a fly in your dessert, the chef spit on your steak too. Oh and there was snot in your soup.

8) You can just bloody well wait!

7) Actually the special tastes like shit, don't order it.

6) No, I wouldn't like to bring you the dessert menu, I want you to leave already. I got a party to go to.

5) I'm being nice to you because I'm paid to be nice, not because I think you're cute. Dork.

4) Are you sure you can afford this? Those shoes look like they cost you 50c.

3) You could have left a bigger tip you tight ass

2) Oh shit, I forgot to give your order to the kitchen!

1) Would you like a bib?

p.s If you haven't already, be sure to check out Gina. She's this week's renter and I've neglected her rather badly with the whole 9/11 thing. Sorry Gina...i'm usually a better landlord than this :)

Grandad's missing fingers

Ok, you voted. I listened. You wanted to hear about Grandad's missing fingers. I'll bet you think i'm going to explain why my father is missing the index finger and half of the middle finger on his left hand and is left with little round stumps that cause him to make up new swear words whenever I have no intentions of doing so, but I will offer you this piece of advice:

• Don't let your younguns sit on the back of the tractor poking the shit out of the cutty thingy with a stick when going round a bumpy corner of a paddock.

Ok, enough said. Onto the story you wanted.

We had been for a visit down to see the rellies, being christmas time and all, so Zoe got to spend time with Grandad and was fascinated with, and almost frightened of, his missing fingers. I guess for a kid it could be that way. Mum said he used to draw little faces on them and give us kids puppet shows over the back of the couch with them. But for some it can be a little freaky. Zoe had seen them before, but this time round she kinda shied away from them but at the same time couldn't stop looking at them.

Zoe went through a stage (still coming out the other side actually) of forever picking her nose. I mean it was an obsession. If she didn't have a finger up her nose then I was looking for needle marks because obviously someone had sedated her. Anyway we had been home for a few days after the visit and I was sick and tired of telling Zoe to get her damn fingers out of her nose. In total exasperation I finally told her "You know what happened to grandad's missing fingers? Well he was picking his nose and he shoved them so far up there they got STUCK and came right off and stayed up there!"

She looked at me in total horror, giving me visions of humungous future therapy bills.

Then she replied.

"Is that why his nose is so big?"

This is why you have children people. For comments like that one right there. And for the looks on their faces when you embarass them in front of 100 of their closest friends at their 21st birthday party retelling the stories.

trading post

ON OFFER:

1 LIFE- Partly used, often misplaced, but never boring. Contains all essential working parts including waning, but varied sex life, assorted overdue bills, child with current attitude problem but adorable sorry eyes, 1/2 laundry full of dirty washing just waiting for your attention and a never ending supply of dirty dishes so you'll never be bored again.

WILL TRADE FOR:

A nice cup of coffee, preferably a mexican bean with a dash of hazelnut syrup.

Quick! Dad is coming

Things to do before he arrives:

• Hide naughty dvd's and remove current selection from player
• Burn/hide effigy of him that is holding the laundry door open
• Clean toilet
• Show Zoe photos and encourage the term 'grandad' instead of 'old fart with big nose'
• Stuff all dirty clothes in laundry cupboard and claim smell comes from next door
• Buy scotch - for dad
• Buy scotch & Valium - for me
• Take down dart board - or at least photo of dad on bullseye
• Hide dope - note to self, NOT in mixed herbs jar again
• Buy takeaway food BEFORE he arrives so I can put in pots and claim to have cooked it
• smile smile smile!!

***Update - Dad has been and gone, below is a pic of him that he WILLINGLY let me take a copy of from his collection. Silly boy. I call it the smile smile smile!! pic and may just put this up as a replacement on the dartboard....

p.s Dad saw this post and pissed himself laughing....

bloody ads...

What is it with dodgy ads on the telly at the moment? Is it a global issue, or something that only us poor bastards here on the border are subjected to with thanks to pathetic regional television? Bring back those fantastic ads that were on during the Olympics in 2000. Remember those?? Fosters NAILED it. To this day, it was one of the BEST ad campaigns I've ever seen. That and the 'Is Don. Is Good' ones with the gogo mobile man. Just classic.

The worst of the current bunch would have to be, without a doubt, the pathetic attempts by Rivers. Apparently I'm nothing but a brain dead consumer. Either that or the 'advertisements' - and I use the term loosely - are the result of a work experience kids work ending up on the wrong desk. Let me give you a rundown:

It's a simple slideshow of what could possibly be scanned pages straight from a Rivers catalog thats seen better days. Some versions get a little complicated. They have more than 3 different pictures. The genius who can count past 3 has my vote for Prime Minister...The voice overs - one for each slide show - are monotonous, boring and could be the bloke that waits for the pub to open at 10am every day. I'm not sure. One of them could even be the chick from the local servo who I'm sure can't remember her name. But heres where it gets good. Can you guess what they are saying? I'll bet ya can't. They are saying "WHY.....are Rivers clothes.....soooooo comfortable?" Now I'm not only brain dead but my short term memory apparently sucks too cos they say it TWICE. And thats the ad.

Now I've been trying to rack my brains for days over what marketing tactic they are utilising to get me to buy their goods. They aren't appealing to my parental side, there is no free toy involved. They certainly aren't trying to play on my emotions. I think the guy who used to tell you the time when you phoned had more life in his voice than these guys. They aren't going for a time limit thing, this is a clearance store. Everything is on special. All the time.

Then it hit me. It's brilliant. Pure class. They'll be teaching this tactic at uni's for years to come. They've employed "PISS OFF THE CONSUMER WITH PATHETIC ADS UNTIL THEY COME INTO THE STORE TO PUNCH OUR LIGHTS OUT & WHILE THEY ARE HERE HOPEFULLY THEY'LL BUY SOMETHING" strategy. I think if I see the ad one more time tonight they will succeed....that is, up until the punch their lights out part....