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Top ten things I want to do before I die..

Ok, mum went to bingo this afternoon and she wanted me to do this before she came home...she did one this morning which you can see here. Anyway, heres a few things I would love to do or achieve before I depart this world:

• Get a degree in something that is totally useless in the workplace - like philosophy
• Find my passion, that one thing that would make me think I was living that saying "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life" I want to find what it is I love. I've got it narrowed down to a couple of things....Photography, Coffee House/Jazz Club/Piano bar all rolled into one, working with children or horseriding...maybe something that could combine several of these things..
• Watch Zoe have children of her own so I can see her experience the amazing journey of motherhood
• Go on a cruise...a really really expensive and luxurious one
• Learn another language
• Own my own business
• Swim with dolphins
• See George Michael live in concert - not one of those big blockbuster events, one of those little intimate things where he's sitting on a stool in front of a five piece acoustic band and he's so close I can smell his aftershave
• Publish some poetry - I guess I should learn how to write it properly first though!
• Take a year off just to travel, with no set plans. There are so many places I would love to see - Jamaica, Rome, Ireland. Stonehenge. This could be a list all of it's own

So there you go smummy, just for you.

Top ten questions we want to ask you yankee doodles.

Ok, this list started cos anonymum (coming to a blog community near you soon!) ws curious about the whole gerbil/hamster thing. With all the differences between such similar countries (we both think macca's is a basic food group), it got us to thinking about the things that confuse us the most. We could have gone into the whole 50 states and 500 accents thing, or the insistence of shortening words which we are apparently famous for. We don't really, all we do is loose the G of everythin...<---SEE!! You guys have it down to an art form though - y'all, sumbitch etc etc. There was so many things that we could have touched on but figured it would piss someone off really bad, so we left it alone...like Nixon, or did you REALLY land on the moon, you know, that kind of thing. But we don't want to upset anyone so we won't go there ok?!

Anyway, movin <---see I did it again, right along, here are the top 10 questions we'd like you to help us out with:

1. What the f#$% is the difference between a Gerbil and a Hamster?
2. Why do you keep stealing the U out of color?
3. How can it take 6 hours to play a game of football - and I use the term loosely due to lack of contact between FOOT and BALL? While on the subject, are they actual MEN playing out there or animated mattress? Cos with all that padding it's a little confusing...
4. When are you going to stop calling your butt a FANNY? We have nightmares over the term "FANNY PACK!" Stop it already!
5. Why do you insist on spreading Vegemite like you are laying bricks? Don't you realise someone in history was obviously messing with your heads???!
6. Do you write your dates backwards because you are really the ones that are upside down? And when are you going to teach your toilets to flush the RIGHT way?
7. When are you going to apologise to the rest of us for Jerry Springer, Conan O'Brien and Anna Nicole Smith?
8. When will you admit our beaches are better than yours?
9. What drugs were being consumed when someone came up with the idea for 'peanut butter and jelly' (which by the way is JAM!!) and where can I get some?! No, not the PB&J...
10. How quickly can I be sued for this post?!!!

Now please don't send me nasty e-mails cos I've 'dissed' your country, this is very tongue in cheek, as most of my readers will immediately recognise. For those of you that don't, please STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER SCREEN!

Top Ten things your waiter/waitress is just dying to say to you.

Having spent the majority of my working life in hospitality, there were many a time I had to bite my bloody tongue when serving customers who are such wankers as to hardly qualify as human. Anyone who has the pleasure of waiting upon others whilst they eat can relate I'm sure. So here they are. The top ten things I would have LOVED to have said at one time or another...

10) You can get your own water. See it's right THERE.

9) Yes that is a fly in your dessert, the chef spit on your steak too. Oh and there was snot in your soup.

8) You can just bloody well wait!

7) Actually the special tastes like shit, don't order it.

6) No, I wouldn't like to bring you the dessert menu, I want you to leave already. I got a party to go to.

5) I'm being nice to you because I'm paid to be nice, not because I think you're cute. Dork.

4) Are you sure you can afford this? Those shoes look like they cost you 50c.

3) You could have left a bigger tip you tight ass

2) Oh shit, I forgot to give your order to the kitchen!

1) Would you like a bib?

p.s If you haven't already, be sure to check out Gina. She's this week's renter and I've neglected her rather badly with the whole 9/11 thing. Sorry Gina...i'm usually a better landlord than this :)

top ten reasons you should leave me a comment

This is for the 500 odd unique visitors to Spilling the beans over the last month who haven't bothered to say 'hi', 'love your work' or even 'you stink'.

1. I don't bite. Well ok, maybe I do sometimes, but you know what? Your looking at a bloody computer screen so I CAN'T bite you can I??!
   
   
2. You obviously read blogs. So chances are you have one too. Think of this as a version of 'you show me yours and I'll show you mine.' I've shown you mine, I mean your looking at it! So leave me a link to yours. I'll drop by. I promise. And I still won't bite. Unless by request.
   
   
3. I'm a comment whore. Plain and simple. I love it when people actually take the time to not only read, but think about what I've written and leave a few words in response. Even when it is just gibberish. My ramblings that is, not the comments.
   
   
4. My inbox is hungry. When you leave a comment, it sends me an email. Please don't let my inbox die of starvation.
   
   
5. It helps Zoe with her education. She quite often reads my comments and favorite blogs with me. So use big, unusual and obscure words. You'll help educate a 5 year old who's mother is looking at going back to uni so she can answer the never ending questions. And doesn't helping people out make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?
   
   
6. It's really easy. You just click on that link down there that says 'Tell me what you think.' Being so easy, it's an achievable goal. You'll have accomplished something today.
   
   
7. Lurkers are shirkers. I read this somewhere else. I have no idea what this means, but I loved the sound of it. I'm easily amused. Do you know what it means? Let me know. You'll need to leave me a comment to do that :)
   
   
8. I'm in the top ten search results for 'penis extensions' on yahoo. Don't you think that deserves some form of recognition? If I never achieve anything else in my life, I'll have that. Who do I call to collect my gold star?
   
   
9. I spent a long time compiling this list. At least 5 minutes. Please reward my efforts.
   
   
10. Bugger. I can't think of any other reason. So much for a top ten. Go ahead, tell me how crappy I am. I deserve it. Oh, you'll need to leave a comment to do that won't you :)

Till next time, head on over to whiteboard.net where I'm still guest posting. Or click here. That takes you to clusterfook, which is Lisa's place. She is way funnier than me. Take it easy.